| thats it i'm done with drama I'm through with that crap.  |
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| Well I havn't done this in almost a year and I find it kinda funny why I'm writting. Well It's not actually a funny matter. I feel very depressed. Not to the point where I'm going to kill myself but I just feel like alone. I ccan't even go to my best friend or what used to be my best friends any more. I just feel like they wouldn't undersand. Like no one understands. I guess I have just grown up over the last few months I have smoked an excessive amount of weed, gotten drunk to the point where I was going to fool around with some guy,(thankfully I still had some sanity left no to) lied to my mother, and do basically everything that I promised myself never to do. And I did it. I decided that I'm done with this. I need to focus back to what is trully inportant in my life. Which is not getting high or blaming my dad and his bitch ass wife for all my problems, but trully studdy and focus on my future and myt relationships. Which I think my "best friends" are trying to get some space from me. I think that it's pretty messed up though but w/e. like I don't even care any more. Like I've gone through so much bs with them that like I can see why they might not want to talk to me or even be assocciated with me. Like I even feel like I don't know them any more. Like I have left them behind. Like I grew up. I fel like I'm no longer a child which at 16 I'm not as innocent as I used to be. I have been introduced into substances that aren't really good for me, but I don't regret doing it. I feel like I've been ther done that and now I don't need it any more. thougb i never trully "needed " it I just wanted it for the sake of being bad ass. But I don't care any more cuz I can care less about myslef. I know I might be sounding kinda emo right noe but that'ss probably because I feel pretty damn emo. notyhing gives me pleasure. not food not school not people not anything. I just feel so alone, but last night when I was really bad I called Brittany and she hellped me I felt so much better after talking with her. I cryed it out and I talked it out. Thought It didn't make everything all dandy I felt way better then I had before talking with her. At least I know I have a friend in her. I feel like everyhting in my life is a mess I'm a mess all together. It hurt to smile today. My face felt unnatural what I was smiling. Like some foreingher in another country. Not nowing the customs and language. I am a foreignher to my own body to my own self I no longer know who this person is I'm no longer the shy timid passive little sckrawny Christy of a year ago. I'm completly the opposite person I like this person, but I'm just not used to this person. I ts new territory that I'm discovering like the British did to the Americas. ; ] |
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| okay so I FINISHED MY BOOK LIKE ON MONDAY OR SOMETHING AND now I'm up to my nw book Breaking Point. It's one of those books you were recomended to read and bought and never got throught to reading it and well I satred reading yesterday. I read 60 pages in one day. It's pretty good and alot more interesting than Frankenstien. I haven't read it today but I think I might. There's nothing else to do other than rott away in front of the computer as my butt and the computer chair become one. I haven't got to the exciting part yet but I'm comming close to the part ewith action. Let me staop talking about how much I want to read it anfd actually read it.
Tutallu.
Christy |
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| haaa it's summer and I need to read a book or finish the one that I'm reading. I feel so stupid it is taking me forever to read. It's like I'll readit and it's good but It's just not a book I would choose to read on my own time. Ivana will be greatly upset to hear this. lol. I still like the book it just doesn't clinch me or anything. I'm almost doen though like 60 more pages I could finish it in a day or two. okay I;m doen good day. |
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| home has never felt this great. |
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